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THE HISTORY OF ELLIUT
Elliut first learnt to roll blunts as a four-month old foetus. Growing his first ganja farm at six weeks fresh out of the womb for personal use, by the age of four months he was a well-established dealer with a regular client base of over 400 customers, and also had irregular dealings with an undisclosed number of clients.
By the age of one year old his drug empire had expanded to cover most of Europe, and quickly became focussed on hard drugs like crack, cocaine, speed and fluff. Rehabilitated ex-clients of Elliut's have commented that you can tell he regularly uses his own stash because of his 'large hooked nose' and 'cold Jewish eyes'.
Elliut's drug empire continued to expand; by the age of two and a quarter he was the dominant drug force in Europe and Asia, and had strong links with many Colombian drug cartels. As a result of these links, Elliut soon began to traffick not only hard drugs but also illegal immigrants and weapons. His almost-worldwide black market trading network soon made him the criminal's first choice for all their illegal needs.
Elliut regularly funds and supplies weapons to terrorist organisations, and it is believed his primary source of weapons revenue is from Israelis and Palestinians; theirs is a conflict he seems to have a fondness for.
Always an opportunist, Elliut saw a potential revenue stream from the female immigrants he was transporting, and so started pimping them at an age of approximately three years old. Finding it not as profitable as he originally believed, Elliut quickly diversified into every conceivable area of sexual activity, under the guidance of his parents. 'Elliut's BDSM Dungeon' is now a major chain of outlets, with several branches in many major cities worldwide.
Elliut plans to retire at the age of seven, but intends to continue funding all his operations as an anonymous benefactor.
Elliut lives in a twelve-storey mansion surrounded by tropical foliage, drives seventeen bentleys, has two private helicopters and four private jets. He is also believed to have stored a significant portion of his wealth in Swiss bank accounts and gold bullion. The total value of him and his empire is as yet incalculable.
BACK to a monkey's back pockets
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